All That is Bitter & Sweet-- Ashley Judd

He [Archbishop Desmond Tutu] talked about spiritual maturation and how sometimes during our growth we have dry periods, or rather spells that feel dry, because we have moved beyond the need for that blissful flood of grace that encouraged and informed us at the beginning of our journey.  I instantly apprehended what he was telling me--I had always been so grateful for th egrace I could summon and feel growing in my heart when I meditated.  But now I saw that those instruments had served to confine and reassure my thoughts until I was mature enough for something more subtle--when I could sit in a rice tent and feel what it was like, and not flee its reality by asking God to blow me away with some on-the-spot transcendence.


Codependency....describes an array of behaviors and choices that are formed as strategies to survived ysfunctional family systems and are a direct result of trauma and abuse.  The first cases were identified among spouses and family members of substance abusers who had become enmeshed with the addicts they were caring for and were driving themselves crazy trying to control the addicts behavior--make them change, clean up, whatever.  The definition has expanded to include anyone who tries to control the behavior of others (or themselves) as a coping mechanism to medicate loneliness, that hole in the soul left behind in the aftermath of abuse--which does not have to be radical, dramatic, big-time abuse.  Codependence can be a hard concept to grasp because it's so broad, so looking at its core symptoms is useful.  According to...a nurse and recovering codependent who has written extensively on the subject, codependents have difficulty
1.  experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem
2.  setting functional boundaries
3.  owning and expressing their own reality
4.  taking care of their adult needs and wants
5.  experiencing their reality moderately

      We tried to process together every night as a way to release the emotions that surfaced during our time in the field.  It is immportant to name our feelings, out them, and release them before they have a chance to become toxic to our bodies and our souls.  So many aid workser (and others in helping professions, such as nurses) anesthetize themselves at the end of the day with alcohol, cigarettes, food, or even drugs to numb the effects of what they've witnessed.  To often, gifted, compassionate people burn out.  Seane and I encouraged the humanitarian and aid staff to join us to talk honestly about what we had been seeing and feeling, even if those thoughts were not exactly politically correct...We would listen without judgment in a room filled with candles and friends.  We considered how we could overcome the anger, revulsion, guilt, and fear that we weren't doing enough and carry on with greater love.
      Our staff members were so used to stuffing down their emotions that this process was alien, even frightening to some of them...For myself, I have made it mandatory.  Feelings are not facts, and in order to endure in this work, not burn out or give up or just stay home on the farm, I need to express my feelings, even the crazy ones.  I need the support of others as I do so, to know I am not alone in my internal struggles.  And I certainly need spiritual tools to go the distance and stay present in the work, when it is so tempting and easy to become hopeless, apathetic, cynical...

A few things of which to be conscious during an upcoming trip to Africa, a return to the Congo:
-Expectations are premeditated resentments.
-Live life on life's terms.  Be a woman among women, one among many.
-Do the next, good, right, honest thing.  Keep it simple.  I am responsible for the stitch, not the whole pattern.  Turn the outcome over to God.
-Ask for help.  Write [a letter.]  Pray.  Cry.  Get on the yoga mat.  Journal.  read the 104th psalm...

    My prayer was answered, and I remembered that God lives in the space between people, in relationships, is acted out through our interdependence.  God had always been with me.
     I remember what I believe: God is love, and when I love, God is with me; and, in order to love, I have to have someone to love.  And that someone, well, maybe that someone is you...